Fertile Grief
Preparing the soil for creativity and connection
and
Oct 24, 2024
We – Shilpa and Chetna – got together to build upon our last collaborative post, The Bully Within. While at a beautiful retreat for South Asian creatrixes, we had another emergent conversation about internal, interpersonal and systemic ‘domination’ and how to shift into more interdependent ways of being and doing together.
Shilpa: Wow! It’s really good to re-read our article, and remember the themes we were looking at. The more I work on myself, and with others, especially around conflict, the more I recognize how crucial the inner work is. I can’t even imagine interpersonal or systemic change anymore, without embedding it in that inner work. Like how can I and we grow the world we want to see without healing that bully within?
Chetna: Forreal. Doing the inner work and healing the inner bully can be really confronting. Something I’ve been noticing recently that keeps me from taking accountability is an attachment to my pain stories – beliefs I (and we) are attached to that are focused on what’s wrong and are rooted in wounding or fear. Examples are “people are not to be trusted” or “I’m not good enough” or “they are against us.” While threat and inadequacy may be a reality in certain contexts, more often, these pain stories are the ego’s way of justifying a need to dominate, control, divide and hate- myself or others.
Shilpa: What you’re saying reminds me of the first year of my work in India with Shikshantar. My team and I started with critical analysis, finding faults in the existing education system and trying to convince people what was wrong with it. Unfortunately, people would either feel paralyzed and just shut down in the conversation; or get defensive and say there was no alternative; or would say we were depriving people of the high level of education we had had. It was exhausting and wasn’t growing new partnerships and collaborations, much less our own imaginations and creativity.
Thankfully, we learned about the practice of Appreciative Inquiry, which focuses on what’s working, inspiring, healing, transforming, and who is a part of it, and where it’s happening. Instead of fixating on what’s wrong, it invites us to look at what we want to grow more, based on what we love, what we celebrate, what gives us life energy. It immediately led to different outcomes: so many people bringing in their passions, co-creating awesome projects, collaborating across many divides, and really practicing the kind of education – co-learning, unlearning, self-directed learning, community-oriented learning – that we were hoping to see more of in the world. It was a game-changer.
Chetna: Oh man, I bet it was! I’m thinking about what a practice like appreciative inquiry can do for our nervous systems. When I’m looping with the negativity in what’s wrong or not working, or the stories of pain, loss or inadequacy, I can easily dwell in the dorsal vagal state of my nervous system that leaves me feeling helpless and isolated, like I’m in a dark basement. Or, I may move into the sympathetic activation of my nervous system and be moved to fight and defend. Sadly, I see a lot of circling between dorsal vagal shutdown and sympathetic activation in social justice circles; going between burnout and rage, burnout and rage, again and again.
Appreciative inquiry can bring us into the social engagement state of the nervous system. Social engagement is a natural state, and one of curiosity, creativity and connection. It’s radical activism to operate from this state of our nervous systems, despite all there is to be enraged about in the world and all the sticky pain stories that feel so righteous and valid.
Shilpa: I love the neuroscience/nervous systems link you’re making, Chetna. The mindset I (or we) are operating from totally influences the kind of work I (or we) will create! What you’re saying also brings up, for me, the difference between my pain stories and my grief. In my pain story, I separate from others. I want to control the pain and so I block myself from others, from the moment. I can even block myself from myself. In my grief, I connect with others. I let myself feel and witness others’ feelings. And then I don’t feel alone, but rather that I belong in a great ocean of humanity.
I was recently in Las Vegas for some work, and a colleague walked me through this Community Healing Garden. A mass shooting happened in Vegas in 2017 at a country music festival, and 58 people were killed. And within a week, the City of Las Vegas, with dozens of supporters and volunteers, stood for a collective commitment to healing, kindness, and compassion, and transformed a patch of desert into an incredible garden with altars for each person, desert trees and plants, and tiles and rocks painted by local children with messages of love. It was so moving. And, it inspired my colleagues and I to imagine more communal spaces for grieving and healing, since they seem to be needed everywhere.
Chetna: Wow, what a beautiful way to channel collective grief. Grief feels like a river flowing, sometimes intense and strong, and sometimes tender and low, but always in motion. And pain stories feel like a desert with cracks. I personally can get very dehydrated and then rigid from my pain stories!
In Mosaiceye’s membership community for creative changemakers, The River, we have a monthly grief circle called To the Water, where we gather and voice the grief that’s present for each of us, without fixing it or judging it. Sometimes I go in with clear grievances, and other times I end up uncovering something that felt stuck in me that needed to be named in the space. I notice how present, clear and connected the group feels after.
Shilpa: And the space for grief is not counter to what you and I were saying about appreciative inquiry. It’s actually a corollary. The more I grieve, the more I free myself from blockages, the more open I become to possibilities. Every time I have seen a community grieve together, not too long after I witness a huge burst of creativity. It happens in YES! Jams all the time. It happened in Las Vegas too.
Chetna: Yes! I too have noticed such spaciousness, creation and deep connections after shared times of grief. I’m thinking back to the 2016 election when Trump became president and hopelessness, fear and shock, as well as grief was present in me and so many of the communities I was belonging to. Yet, as we reckoned and grieved what had become (and what I hope will never become again), there were so many phenomenal organizations and movements that began or gained prominent during the Trump administration for climate justice, women’s rights, gun violence prevention, services and advocacy for immigrants and asylum seekers, and so much more.
The thing is, grief may require daily tending. I think about disappointment as a form of grief. When I, or others, bypass disappointment, it can easily jump to punitive action like blaming, shaming, or controlling others, as in “I am disappointed in you.” For example, when I instead of taking responsibility for my disappointment at someone not doing the dishes, my inner bully judges them as messy or lazy, and I make up petty rules, or send passive-aggressive texts to get them to do the damn dishes. This is a small example, but it speaks to the daily ways I have to acknowledge my disappointments so that I can approach situations with directness, compassion and clarity, rather than judgment or the need to control.
Shilpa: Your reflections on disappointment have me thinking about bigger systems as well as smaller ones, like my family. Last year, I underwent such a mindset shift when I let go of my pain story and expectations, took time for grief, and also invited in more appreciative inquiry. I stopped holding on to the disappointment in what my parents couldn’t do for me, in terms of emotional support, and started being grateful for what they could do for me, in terms of their generosity and care for my physical well-being. I feel so much more relaxed and easy with them now. And because our mirror neurons fire when around each other, I think they feel that ease, and can be more relaxed with me too. And when they can’t, or I can’t, I feel so much lighter in letting it flow, knowing it’s a moment in our journey, and not taking it as evidence for my pain story.
Chetna: That lightness feels like liberation, to me. Such clarity, creativity and connection becomes possible when we are in active and regular practice of grieving and grieving collectively, instead of bolstering the inner bully, or the outer bully. As Francis Weller wrote, “We discover how sorrow shakes us and breaks us open to depths of soul we could not imagine. Grief offers a wild alchemy that transmutes suffering into fertile ground.” What a time to let our grief fertilize the ground we walk on, as we craft this path to more love, justice, belonging and freedom.
We’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts on the inner bully, outer bully, and healing grief for walking the path of creativity. Please share in the comments.
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FAT
I recently read this article from Massage Magazine and decided to send some parts of it to you. Our bodies are really amazing!
Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen, founder of Body-Mind Centering, says, “fat is potential power.”
Enjoy!
Marjorie
Must-Know Anatomy for Massage Therapists
By Nicole Trombley
Fat has been maligned for too long. Weight bias/stigma vs fat as normal and essential anatomy in all bodies.
Fats are molecules called lipids. They serve as a foundation for important hormones, including estrogen and progesterone, and cortisol. They allow for absorption and transport of fat-soluble vitamins such as A, D, E, and K. They create the nervous system’s insulating myelin sheaths around nerves and form the cell membrane of every one of the trillions of cells in the body.
Fat molecules are an efficient way to store energy in our bodies. Or as Bonnie Bainbridge, founder of Body-Mind Centering, says, “fat is potential power.” Fat ensures an energy source when food is scarce. Fat is so critical for human survival that by just 14 weeks of gestation we are storing fat—earlier than most mammals. Baby fat is essential. Energy storing fat molecules are housed in specialized cells called adipocytes. Each of us are born with a starter set of about 5 billion fat cells, growing that number to 20-40 billion by adulthood.
Adipokines – produced and secreted by fat cells, are molecules that communicate with cells throughout the body—liver, muscles, bones, and even the brain. Fat is actively involved in critical processes such as food intake, insulin sensitivity, and insulin secretion. Fat tissue has been redefined as an endocrine organ and critical to human metabolism and energy homeostasis.
Where is fat tissue found?
It is found in places we can’t touch and also just under the skin. In specific regions of our bodies adipose is packed together as fat pads – insulating and cushioning the heart, kidneys, soles of the feet, our palms and fingers. Neurovascular bundles travel through clouds of protective fat. Fat depots have two major areas for energy storage areas—under the skin and around the organs.
The fat under the skin is what we can “touch” in a way, vs the visceral fat that we cannot touch. The fat supports the skin and creates a buffer separating the external layers from the deeper layers. It is richly innervated and highly vascularized and serves as a communication hub and provides extensive pathways to lymph vessels.
It has a fibrous support network under the skin, that without this, fat would have no stability for functioning; the simple act of leaning against a door frame or a squeezing action would push fat cells from one place to another and distort our tissues. This fibrous network is a honeycomb-like three-dimensional, collagen-based fascial network surrounding every fat lobule and reaching from the skin down to deeper layers. This structure makes it a part of the fascial system and has two distinct fat layers loosely divided by a fibrous membrane that is unique among fascia to create a vibrant, active zone that supports the subcutis movement. These layers have built in sliding capacity between them. A shearing massage stroke might move the skin and cushiony fat but glide right over deeper tissues. This is about accommodating movement! The superficial and deeper tissues need to move somewhat independently from one another. If not, movement would be awkward, limited, and painful, with skin and muscles pulling on each other. However, in some regions, our subcutis layers are anchored for stability. In these areas, minimal fat can accumulate, and the superficial fascia membrane adheres strongly to the deep fascia below. These no-glide zones are like the palms of our hands and along the body’s midline.
The fat layer closest to the skin offers cushioning every time we bump up against a table or when we spend the afternoon sitting. It is what moves under the skin when we get a massage. The fascial layer between the two fat layers absorbs and disperses mechanical loads coming from multiple directions. It provides stability and anchoring to the surrounding tissues, including vasculature, nerves, and lymph vessels.
Fat is sensitive, the fascial layer under the skin is one of the most innervated tissues in the body. This issue is actively communicating with the rest of the body via the nervous system. So pain from surgery is often found in this layer. These nerves are from the sympathetic nervous system—the system controlling fight-or-flight stress response. Some of these nerves control the extensive blood network too. Sensory nerves in the form of free nerve endings are known to respond to temperature and mechanical stimulation and gather information on potential tissue damage. So, this suggests that superficial fascia and subcutaneous fat could play a role in nociception (the perception or sensation of pain: “muscle nociception is mainly characterized by local tenderness and referred pain”).
Scar tissue can have immense depth, continuous through the layers of the subcutaneous fat beneath. Recent evidence indicates that in wounds deeper than the skin’s dermis, fibroblasts from the superficial fascia rise to the surface to build the scar, dragging along with it the nerves, macrophages and blood vessels. Researchers found that when the superficial fascia was removed from an injured area in mice, the wounds did not heal at all. Aging, gravity, weight gain and weight loss can put strains on the fibrous network. As we age, just as our skin loses elasticity, so can the overall subcutis. It may feel softer and more lax because of changes in the fibrous network, regardless of the amount of fat reserves. It also may become more fibrotic and reinforced due to injuries, surgeries, medications, and some pathologies, including diabetes.
9/2024
Facial Muscles and Human Emotions
Except for the masseter muscles of the jaw (used for chewing, biting, and that sort of thing), the facial muscles are flat, thin, and superficial. They are unique in that they attach to superficial fascia and skin rather than bone, unlike the muscles of the limbs that move the arms and legs through space. The primary function of the facial muscles is to communicate a nuanced array of human emotions. The facial muscles lie directly under the skin and connect to each other in a single, contiguous plane of tissue. Their contractions pull on the skin, working together as a single canvas to paint the picture of how a person feels.
Communicating without words – We nonverbally communicate through our facial expressions. Dr. Paul Ekman, emeritus professor at the Univ. of CA Medical School specializes in facial muscle expression and describes the face as an involuntary emotional signal system. We often aren’t aware of what we are communicating!
Dr. Ekman through cross-cultural investigations says there are seven universal emotions:
Anger (eyes, lips and brows narrow), disgust (nose wrinkles), surprise and fear (difficult to differentiate because they are similar), sadness (eyes and mouth turn down), happiness (lifts both eyes and mouth and it is easy to discern a phony smile), and contempt (an asymmetrical tightening of the corners of the lip into an arrogant smirk).
Each emotion represents a unique muscle pattern.
There are 30 facial muscles, and they have the potential to express 3,000 emotional states!
The central role that facial muscles enhance human relationships by positive and healing connections between people. Dr. Ekman collaborated with the Dalai Lama to create the Atlas of Emotions (http://atlasofemotions.org). It offers a detailed map for expanding and refining our emotional vocabulary for processing negative emotions in a healthy and positive manner. Also, changing your facial expressions can change your physiology. Smiling at someone can lift your spirits and theirs.
Excerpted from massage & bodywork magazine, march/April 2024
Facial Muscles and Human Emotions by Mary Ann Foster
9/2024
Vestibular system
from Original Strength Restoration
by Tim Anderson
Before we are born the vestibular system is completely functioning and operational. It is responding to the movements of your mother and stimulating the development of our brains.
After we are born we then need the vestibular system to work with gravity in a new way. It is a self-righting reflex, which is our balance system that keeps our head up so we can see the world, and our bodies are designed to follow our heads, where a lot of our senses are located. Our brains adjust our posture and position to keep our heads level with the horizon.
AND aside:
What is the vestibular system? https://www.youtube.com/watch/P3aYqxGesqs
I found the youtube video and learned more myself!
Or you can have a simpler version below:
The vestibular system is a sensory system, in the inner ear, that is responsible for providing our brain with information about motion, head position, and spatial orientation; it also is involved with motor functions that allow us to keep our balance, stabilize our head and body during movement, and maintain posture.
And reflex – meaning a designated or an involuntary action (like a sneeze determined by the nervous system)
The vestibular system governs how well you are reflexively “wired” together. Your posture, balance, and reflexive strength are all determined by how nourished or malnourished your vestibular system is. So moving your head well is important for your posture and coordination. Moving well means moving your head independently in all directions, flexion, extension, and rotation. Movement activates the vestibular system, which in turn provides reflexive and anticipatory strength, stability, and movement when and where it is needed.
“Our entire body is reflexively wired to the little movement sensors (the vestibular system) that lives in our head.” Even though the vestibular system lives in your head it is connected to every muscle in your body.
“The ability to move your head freely, enables you to have a body that has a foundation of strength. The kind of strength that prevents you from getting injured when you slip and fall. The kind of strength that allows you to engage in any physical activity without the fear of getting injured.” “…the better you can move your head, the better your righting reflex can accurately and reflexively adjust all the muscles of in your body in order to keep your head level with the horizon. Again, the body is made to follow the head, quickly and reflexively. You could even say that the body is made to follow the lead of the head before the head even moves, in anticipation of the head moving.”
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. A client told me about this book and I’m always open to knowing about what has been supportive for your healing. I learn a lot from you all! Walker focuses mainly on childhood trauma, especially emotional neglect and how that takes you out of your body, your natural home and support system, that is the place to process emotion. He mentions the Rosen Method (p.46)! He writes from years of experience as a therapist and personal healing in a very accessible way. I loved his bio on the back of the book – there are the usual credentials, with a photo of him and his son, and then this: “His son, Jaden, is an unlicensed fourth grader who is growing up and thriving in a house that is a home.”
- I just finished listening to an audio book called I Contain Multitudes: The Microbes Within Us and a Grander View of Life, by Ed Yong. Microbes are us…nothing on the planet can live without them…..it has been a WOW experience over and over for me. What we have learned from being curious. We have created ways to magnify the world discovering what is not accessible with our immediate senses. Microbes have gotten short shrift as being thought of as only pathogens, instead of looking at them as having all kinds of beneficial qualities too. Seeing that they are necessary for life, and that balance is the key. I liked the view that the immune system isn’t about fighting and killing as much as monitoring the balance of what is inside us.
I listened to a uplifting and powerful On Being podcast with Krista Tippett talking to adrienne marie brown: https://onbeing.org/programs/adrienne-maree-brown-we-are-in-a-time-of-new-suns/
brown is the author of Emergent Strategy, We Will Not Cancel Us, Pleasure Activism, as well as a workbook for facilitation and mediation, Holding Change. She is the co-editor of Octavia’s Brood and she co-hosts several podcasts, including Octavia’s Parables and How to Survive the End of the World. She is the writer-in-residence at the Emergent Strategy Ideation Institute, which she founded.
More about the Emergent Strategy Ideation Institute (ESII) can be found here: https://esii.org/
From their website: “The ESII invites us to think about change as a constant state of being and how to align and direct it towards that which affirms and creates more life. A path that runs counter to the competitive, power-over, urgency culture of capitalism and shifts material conditions. A path that is apparent throughout nature in species that adapted collectively and can be applied to create transformative justice movements.”
The Vast Potential Of the Vagus Nerve
by Christina Carol, Tuesday, June 7, 2022, New York Times Article
I liked the physiological description of the vagus nerve, though he leaves out what I think is key about the ventral vagal nerves that are a part of the social engagement system of our nervous system, which helps us monitor what is safe and what is not safe. Dr. Stephen Porges: What is the Polyvagal Theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec3AUMDjtKQ
“What is the vagus nerve?”
The term “vagus nerve” is actually shorthand for thousands of fibers. They are organized into two bundles that run from the brain stem down through each side of the neck and into the torso, branching outward to touch our internal organs, said Dr. Kevin J. Tracey, a neurosurgeon and president of the Feinstein Institutes for Medical Research, Northwell Health’s research center in New York. Imagine something akin to a tree, whose limbs interact with nearly every organ system in the body. (The word “vagus” means “wandering” in Latin.) The vagues nerve picks up information about how the organs are functioning and sends information from the brain stem back to the body, helping to control digestion, heart rate, voice, mood, and the immune system.
For those reasons, the vagus nerve—the longest of the 12 cranial nerves—is sometimes referred to as an information superhighway. Dr. Tracey compared it to a trans-Atlantic cable. “It’s not a mishmash of signals,: he said, “Every signal has a specific job.”
How is nerve activity measured?
The activity of the vagus nerve is difficult to measure directly, especially given how complex it is. But because some vagus nerve fibers connect with the heart, experts can indirectly measure cardiac vagal tone—or the way in which your nervous system regulates your heart—by looking at your heart rate variability, which are the fluxuations in the amount of time between your heartbeats, on an EKG. An abnormal vagal tone—one in which there is very little heart variability—has been associated with diabetes, heart failure and hypertension. A high variability between heart beats may signify an ideal vagal tone.
Can vagal tone be improved?
Dr. Tracey says, “For wellness, try to maintain high vagus nerve activity through mindfulness, exercise, and paced breathing. These are all good for you.”
All creatures have their own pace and ways to be
I have heard that slime is a toy that children have been playing with for a while. So now, reading a book called The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, by Elisabeth Tova Bailey, slime has taken on a whole new meaning to me.
Snails don’t see or hear; they only feel, taste and smell. Snails use slime for SO many things…and their slime takes on many different properties. Slime is used as a glue (they can walk underneath fern fronds and on ceilings), as a glide for traveling (their speed glide can be 18 inches per minute!), as a way to create plates (epiphragms) for hibernation (a way to stay moist, warm, and slow down needs for food in adverse conditions), and as a protection from being eaten (one way is slime that can gum up the teeth of a predator!). It utilizes passive protections—going into its shell, coloration to blend into its environment, and slow locomotion (fast movements can attract detection)—as well as slime, a more active defense. When we encounter slime we often don’t want to keep holding onto the one that slimes, so it is protected from us too.
(And if you want to read further from another gastropod expert’s exploration:
https://carnegiemnh.org/can-snails-feel-love/)
What has touched me about reading this book is not only the incredible uses of slime, but amazement at the brilliance of this small creature’s way of life that I have never really thought about. What an incredible diversity of species we have on our planet! And gastropods are very successful, being found in nearly every part of the world. They have a place in the health of the planet by eating decaying vegetation. I feel an appreciation for each of us, for our protective survival methods, and our place in creation. This reinforces my need to connect and reexamine my relationship with, and place on, the earth.
We all have our own particular ways to protect ourselves. The ways that others protect themselves we may find strange, hard to understand, aggravating, and also quite possibly very familiar. Protection is important and so is connection. Snails do find mates (though in a pinch they can reproduce alone). We all have a need for safety and protection. How can something new happen – a shift in our attitude, an awareness, a desire to notice, to listen? Can we feel more compassion for our own survival patterns and those of others? I believe human touch is an important part of that.
If you want to know more about our immune system, An Elegant Defense is an accessible book for non-scientists like me. It is written by Matt Richtel, a journalist who, as a non-scientist, is our “conversational immunologist.” The book traces the path of the discovery of our immune system, and it has changed the way I think about it. It is not only a force of destruction, it is a “peacekeeping force that more than anything else seeks to create harmony—immunoregulation—the need for homeostasis (a state of harmony or stability).” Because we need many of these alien organisms that live on and in us, including billions of bacteria that live in our guts,“some of these microbes, far from threatening us, are welcome as essential allies. Our health depends on our harmonious interactions with a multitude of bacteria.” Otherwise we can have autoimmunity responses. The immune system “has multiple overlapping, sometimes redundant first lines of defense, and second lines too.” “[The] immune system has a telecommunications network, [and] its communications network rivals in power, speed and reach any communications network the world has every invented.”
The Politics of Trauma, Somatics, Healing, and Social Justice, by Staci Haines.
It is a powerful reminder that through our bodies/sensation, we are reminded that “we are organic and changing beings” and “Through the body we can access ourselves, develop self-knowledge and change.” I think these quotes will give you a glimpse into what the book is about:
“Somatics understands both the individual and collective as a combination of biological, evolutionary, emotional, and psychological aspects, shaped by social and historical norms, and adaptive to a wide array of both resilient and oppressive forces.”
“Somatics is an intentional change process by which we can embody transformation, individually and collectively. Embodied transformation is foundational change that shows in our actions, ways of being, relating, and perceiving. It is transformation that sustains over time.”
“Any transformation takes place within a social context. We are shaped by and embody the social conditions we live in. This is so whether we believe in these conditions or not. The social conditions include the political, economic, and historical systems, as well as the cultural norms, beliefs, practices by which we are surrounded.”
“Transformation, from a somatic view, means that the way we are, relate and act become aligned with our visions and values—even under pressure.” “… more than understanding and insight, somatics supports us in embodying new ways of being, aligned with a broader vision.” Social change is a necessary part of that vision for me.
I have been taught, in so many ways, to think of “race” in terms of other races rather than being a race myself – white. I keep learning that one of the characteristics of whiteness is unconsciousness, and I’m learning to see how this unconsciousness has supported the institutional racism that continues to create extreme economic and social disparities. All of these structures of injustice are supported by an insidious manufactured fear of BIPOC – Black, Indigenous and People of Color. Being supported by and working with other white people is important for me, as it holds me accountable and helps me build my somatic capacity to be with the physical and emotional discomfort that inevitably arises. What gets triggered in my body? What survival strategies are at play? How do these strategies get in the way of my curiosity and compassion? What suffers is my ability to live more fully from my values.
Psychotherapy Networker / By Jay Efran and Mitchell Greene
May 18, 2012 |
Why We Cry: The Fascinating Psychology of Emotional Release
Knowing how our nervous systems work can help guide what we do—and don’t do—when
people burst into tears.
The Two-Stage Theory of Tears
Physiologically speaking, emotional tears are elicited when a person’s system shifts rapidly from
sympathetic to parasympathetic activity—from a state of high tension to a period of recalibration
and recovery. Depending on the circumstances, individuals typically describe such shifts as
“letting go,” “going off duty,” or “giving up.” Of course, nothing is literally “released” when
these biophysical changes occur, although the person’s adrenaline level drops and the body
relaxes.
The shift from arousal to recovery is almost always triggered by a psychologically meaningful
event, such as when lost children finally spot their parents and realize that they’re safe. Typically,
children don’t cry when they first realize that their parents are gone; instead, they become
hypervigilant and start searching for their missing caretakers. It’s only when the parents
reappear—perhaps rounding the corner of the supermarket aisle—that their child “goes off duty,”
and tears begin to flow. In other words, tears are elicited during the second, parasympathetic,
phase of the two-stage cycle we’re describing. Again, the child usually remains dry-eyed during
the initial, problem-solving phase. Evidence for this two-stage cycle has been found in multiple
studies. Using physiological measures, such as heart rate, researchers documented the “handoff”
from the initial fight-or-flight stage to the parasympathetic recovery stage, in which tears occur.
Check out a book by bell hooks all about love, NEW VISIONS. It isn’t a new book (written in 2000) so some of her cultural references are dated, but still worth a read. She covers a lot of ground, as you can imagine, as love covers a lot of ground. In her extensive exploration she quotes many inspiring teachers, healers, and artists. She quotes from one of my favorite books, The Art of Loving by Eric Fromm. He speaks of love as action, “essentially an act of will.” “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling may come and go.” She also quotes Scott Peck who is also inspired by Fromm. Peck describes love as the will to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Peck says, “The desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” We want to “fall in love.” hooks says, “We may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.”
Also, a recent article from the NY Times December 17th, 2019 “Well” section is about a book Love for Imperfect Things written by a Buddhist Monk Haemin Sunim. He has some self-care suggestions; exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. These are things we all know are good for us. Self-care also means taking time for yourself in order to do what gives us enjoyment, and helps us to process stress and practice self-compassion. Self-care might seem simple, but it can be challenging to enact. Can I take time to focus on my own needs? Is this being selfish?
Haemin Sunim suggests five things: breathe, accept, write, talk, walk.
●Breathing we all understand! It is necessary for life and paying attention to the breath, for some of us, will slow us down. It brings us to the present moment.
●Acceptance of our struggles. “Acceptance of ourselves, our feelings, and life’s imperfections…” “When we regard our difficult emotions as a problem and try to overcome them, we only struggle more. When we accept them our mind stops struggling….”
●Writing can get things off our minds….especially if they keep us in a obsessive loop.
●Talking; “Never underestimate the value of meaningful conversation for your well-being.” “Choose someone who can listen without any kind of judgment. Talking through your feelings can give you insights into your own needs.”
●Walking is moving our bodies. The simple act of changing our physical location and moving can change our state of mind and stress level. If we are outdoors we may begin to pay attention to nature, which can bring us outside of ourselves in a good way. We are a part of something larger.
Rosen bodywork resonates with the acceptance and talking part of Sunim’s list. Rosen Movement also resonates with the walking part! Sensing, especially our own body, is how we know what needs to be processed, given compassion, talked about, if we are holding our breath, or not moving! And if we need help and how we can ask for it.
Check out the work of Ester Perel, author of Mating in Captivity
I heard about her from a client and then from a fellow bodyworker.
Contemplate these thoughts from her:
“What it means to be human is the need for connection, protection, freedom and responsibility.”
“What is me and what is us?” “You discover who you are in the presence of another.”
From an On Being interview with Krista Tippett
●And I have told some of you about an amazing podcast about hands, the development of tool making and hence the development of our brains, and possibly language!
Handwork | To The Best Of Our Knowledge
https://www.ttbook.org/show/handwork
The Moving Child: film trailer on the importance of movement for children and all human beings:
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-moving-child?goback=.gde_3945307_member_222533290
Check out this local Butoh teacher:
https://www.pbs.org/video/Gadu-Doushin-640388H-1/
Old growth forest in Minnesota, left alone due to a geological survey error!
There’s No Forest In The World Like The Lost 40 In Minnesota
The Perfect Brain Food (Reading isn’t just filling your head–it’s nourishing it) by Marc Peyser. The article states that reading can improve your brain in many ways. The most “impact occurs in the area associated with language reception, the left temporal cortex. Processing written material…snaps the neurons to attention as they start the work of transmitting all that information. This happens with spoken language too, but the very nature of reading encourages the brain to work harder and better.” Maryanne Wolf, EdD, director of the UCLA Center for Dyslexia, Diverse Learners, and Social Justice says, “Typically, when you read, you have more time to think,” and “Reading gives you a unique pause button for comprehension and insight.” “With oral language—when you watch a film or listen to a tape—you don’t press pause.” The benefits of reading continue after you stop reading. A shadow activity happens, almost like muscle memory. “Reading also energizes the region responsible for motor activity … because when you are reading about a physical activity, the neurons that control that activity get busy as well.” And for children who were below-average readers, 100 hours of remedial reading classes rewired their brains in ways that can benefit the entire brain! And how about reading on a screen? Wolf notes that “this form of reading is rarely continuous, sustained, or concentrated.” Without the sustained exercise of our reading “muscles,” the brain loses its ability to control the intricate processes that allow us to read deeply.”
An article from the Star Tribune, February 10, 2019 originally published in the Washington Post by Jae Berman Proper Breathing can Enhance your Workout – Nasal breathing while exercising provides many benefits. Nasal breathing is more effective in getting oxygen to active tissues when exercising or dealing with stress. The nose releases nitric oxide which is necessary to increase carbon dioxide in the blood, which in turn is what releases oxygen. For body awareness purposes this is what interested me: Nasal breathing also activates the part of the nervous system that supports rest, recovery and digestion. So nasal breathing can provide a sense of calm and allow us to function better when we feel stressed. This is known from yogic and meditation traditions as well. Brian Mackenzie, founder of the Art of Breath, a program that teaches breathing to optimize athletic performance, says it not only “improves athletic performance but also can improve our awareness.” Other quotes: “To desire a mind that remains curious and can see the beauty in any experience is true freedom.” “Our breath is the direct link to a calm, clear mind and body.” I love it when different disciplines arrive at the same knowing! There are many ways to do nasal breathing. I can show you what I do, if you are interested.
Check out this article on tears:
https://www.marjoriehuebner.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/Why-We-cry.pdf
TED Talk on Vulnerability by Brene Brown
Brene Brown says to avoid vulnerability we numb. We can’t selectively numb emotions, so when we numb one we numb them all to some degree. Marion Rosen also said this. Brown says when we try to make the uncertain certain, when we go for perfection, when we pretend that what we do doesn’t have an impact, and when we use blame as a way to discharge pain and discomfort— that these are all ways to avoid vulnerability. Brown and Rosen say we all want to be deeply seen and know we are worthy of belonging and love. Wholehearted compassion for ourselves and others emerges when we allow ourselves the space to be vulnerable.
A sprinkling of quotes that have made an impression on me:
● “Perhaps the greatest irony of healing is that it occurs when we accept our felt experience, rather than rely on willpower or focused effort to get rid of the unwanted.”
Josh Korda, dharma teacher at DharmapunxNYC
● From a recent StarTribune of the book Everything Lost is Found Again by Will McGrath. The quote is from a memoir of a Minnesota couple who spent a year in Lesotho. “In Lesotho,[McGrath] notes, ‘everyone holds hands here. Everyone touches. Men with men, women with women… It is not uncommon for a stranger to take your hand as he walks beside you, asking where you are going or what has brought you to Lesotho.’” Lesotho is a landlocked country surrounded by South Africa. Touch is important for connection!
● The Subtle Energy Search for Meaning “Awareness refers to our perception of a situation. Attention is our ability to select an aspect of our awareness and focus on it. By putting these two activities together, our brain’s neurons will oscillate rhythmically and help create a desirable outcome.” by Cyndi Dale, Massage and Bodywork, May/June, 2018
Rosen Method focuses attention on what we are actually doing, viewing the individual in context, and connecting that to sensation/body awareness.
● In his book Brain Longevity, Dharma Singh Khalsa, M.D. defines the difference between brain and mind: “People often confuse the brain with the mind, even though the brain and mind are two distinctly different entities. The mind is “software,” the mystical and mysterious product of all that we are. The brain is “hardware,” a bodily organ that requires nutrition, rest, use, and proper medical care.”
❖ From the Star Tribune, Sunday, August 26, 2018
“Sitting for hours can slow the flow of blood to the brain, said a finding that could have implications for long-term brain health. But getting up and strolling for just two minutes every half-hour seems to stave off this decline. Scientists found that blood brain flow dropped when people sat for four continuous hours. It was equally apparent when people broke up their sitting after two hours, although blood flow rose during the walking break. But brain blood flow rose slightly when the four hours included frequent, two-minute walking breaks, the scientists found.”
❖ You may not know this about me, but I read many books at once. So it takes me time to finish one… Variety is the spice of life?! Here are a few that I’m reading right now:
My Body is Not an Apology, The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor.
I liked this simple reminder, “You, my dear, have a body. And should you desire to remain on this spinning rock hurtling through space, you will need a body to do it.” “When we speak of the ills of the world—violence, poverty, injustice—we are not speaking conceptually; we are talking about things that happen to bodies.” Her desire is for “a radical self-love world.” That is, a world “free from the systems of oppression that make it difficult and sometimes deadly to live in our bodies.” Why the word radical? It means “of or going to the root or origin; fundamental.” So including the word radical means a kind of self-love that is the “root or origin of our relationship to ourselves.” The book is full of “unapologetic inquiries” and “radical reflections” in which to engage, so it’s experiential and reflective.
I also liked her “Three Peaces”:
“1. Make peace with not understanding.” “When we liberate ourselves from the expectation that we must have all things figured out, we enter a sanctuary of empathy,” “an invitation to curiosity,” and “exploration without judgment.” “Understanding is ideal, but it is not an essential ingredient for making peace.”
“2. Make peace with difference.” “Humans are a complicated and varied bunch, and those variations impact our lived experiences.” And that includes bodies. “Bodies are diverse, not only in size, but in race and ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, physical ability, and mental health.” So what is considered “normal” impacts our social values. “Inequality and injustice rest firmly on our unwillingness to exalt the vast magnificence of the human body.”
“3. Peace with your body” “Your body is the body it is.” “….you did not come into this world hating your body.” “What if you accepted the fact that much of how you view your body and your judgments of it are learned things, messages you have deeply internalized that have created an adversarial relationship?” “I’m not simply proposing that you make peace with your body because your body shame is making you miserable. I’m proposing you do it because it’s making us miserable too.” “Remember body shame is as contagious as radical self-love.”
Taylor’s book is a way to root out body shame. Rosen Method also is about feeling in our bodies and appreciating/enjoying the way we feel rather than the way we look. Who we are is not separate from our bodies, while we are alive.
Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal, by Mary Roach
The author takes on things that interest her and goes in-depth in her humorous, scientific, and quirky way. She has written other books that I’ve enjoyed: Stiff, The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers; Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Sex and Science; and, Packing for Mars: the Curious Science of Life in the Void… You get the picture~ She loves the body, and so do I! She takes us on a fun ride.
❖Assessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve, Self-Help Exercises for Anxiety, Depression Trauma, and Autism by Stanley Rosenberg.
Rosenberg calls himself a body therapist, which I loved right from the start. He has studied many things and most recently has been inspired by the Polyvagal Theory developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. This theory revolutionized his understanding of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and his work with people. Porges’ theory said that social engagement is needed to regulate our ANS. “When we are together with other people who are socially engaged, we feel better. On the other hand when we do not have enough positive social interactions with others, we can easily become stressed, depressed, asocial and even antisocial.” After 45 years of following his own path, at his own “tempo” he wrote this book. He said that becoming a skilled body therapist is not so much “knowing about” something intellectually but “learning how to do something with your hands.” Still, he provides lots of intellectual knowledge in his book, and some “self-help exercises and hands-on therapeutic techniques that are simple to learn and easy to use.”
I resonated with how important it is to practice connection. The Rosen Method does this through touch! I tried to figure out how many people I have touched in my work over 34 years, and estimated it is 20,000! Lucky me.
“The body is us.” “Movement makes us human.” Ido Portal.
Keep in touch with your bodyself.